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[Dec. 5th, 2009|12:07 am] |
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Full blown depression. |
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[Oct. 4th, 2009|09:00 pm] |
Nice Win! and Why I'm Back with the Final(?) Blogs :)
Wow guys. A UCF running back pounding the rock to the tune of 200+ yards? Thing of beauty!!!
Mega props to the MKs for a great game, and let's be honest, ROCKIN' high school performance. We kicked down the door, threw it DOWN!!!!!! and were friggin' rock stars baby!
Alright, time for the weekly rapid fire thoughts and memories:
1. BEAST. Oh my goodness. So I'm with Kat, back from getting boots, getting stuff out of my car in the colbourn parking lot. And I'll be honest, I have no idea where you guys were, all we heard was Take On Me flat out GROOVIN' throughout the lot!!!! Said it before, say it again: this has gone from Tyler Fisher's grand experiment, to a "thing." A straight up, throw down, exciting -THING-!!!!!!
2. Memphis football players. My goodness. Okay, we're setting up Pregame and Emily and I are inside the Memphis football player tunnel. They're finishing up their on-field warm ups and returning to their lockerroom, walking past us. They're giving us looks, we're just holding strong. Then in a moment I'll never forget, a wise cracking 300 pound behemoth goes "YOu see that!? That's some HARRY POTTER stuff up in here!!" Really?? THAT'S smack talk!? LOL. Pretty sure it was one of the d-lineman "Moose" Robinson shoved around all day, so it's all good :P
3. Honestly. A UCF offense that's awake. Still celebrating!!! (and don't give me that "it all happened 4th quarter" bologna. Play calling all day was a monumental improvement over normal. We threw in sweeps, options, pitches… plays that catered to the STRENGTHS of the players! Who'd a thunk it, loll.
4. I missed my trombone cheer. Baby steps, but that's gonna be a "thing" here shortly.
5. Here's an O'Leary story. So the whole, conducting fight song as the team runs out on the field? They were so close to us we were basically karate chopping our team. O'Leary in particular seemed to have trouble with basic peripheral vision, and in my case one of his police escorts took a right hand that would've otherwise knocked the coach in the head! How silly would that have looked LOL. On the brightside, assault on officer doesn't count of if you're conducting, apparently lol.
6. Conducting the band in the stands, while coordinating with the headset, is complicated. Big thanks to all MKs in watching and listening, and cooperating when things get a little sticky :)
7. One word to explain gameday? Smooth. At least compared to games one and two!
8. Speaking of "things"… The student union warm up performance before the parade? We've silently been getting bigger and bigger crowds… Not saying', just saying'.
9. Oh dear. See how things worked out? Parents' weekend!!! Tailgating was 15% better behaved this time around, which is great for our army of twirlers that had to rife through memory mall… or as I've dubbed it… "the Jungle."
10. All in all, awesomeness. Pure, pure awesomeness. Two gameday video blogs are hot off the press. I never say never, but it might be a long time till more videos show up :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dE2NZzdeY8 is Gameday Video Blog #28, perhaps the last true GDVB "project." Relive UCF Band Camp 2009!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ScicbvZU4Y is Gameday Video Blog #29, a fitting end to the series. It's a recreation of the very first Gameday Video Blog, made on a whim my first game as a Marching Knight. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz3XYqWRi9U :)
Thanks to all for another awesome gameday experience!! |
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[Sep. 7th, 2009|03:29 pm] |
(originally posted September 6th, the day after the first game, to facebook)
I'd like to get out some thoughts as they're still fresh in my memory.
Today, as has been well established, was my first ever game as a drum major. This first game witnessed the conducting of the UCF Marching Knights... as well as the entire West Orange High School band (of which I was 4 year alumni )... as well as the performance of the greatest piece (favorite) I've ever played... Thriller. (history lesson: this exact arrangement was the finale to our Halloween show in 2006).
Today was not without its problems. And high stress situations. And curious drama of every which way, many expected, many random, and many exactly opposite as prepared.
When it's all said and done... this day was amazing. The band sounded amazing. Everything happened as it should :)
Some memories from the day I'll never forget:
1. Hearing the words "West Orange" thrown around so much. Bizarre throwback. Totally awesome to be with them today though!!
2. From having a totally chill, calm, collected aknowledgement of this game coming up.... not being nervous... It took the rumbling of the student section bleachers as we were setting up pregame for it to hit me like a sack of bricks... Full blown panic. LOL! it was amazing.
3. You know, I've danced around this. But lets make something clear. If you're going to be thrown into a situation like DM first day of band camp, you better work with people who have your back. And I can't say enough about Nick and Emily. They're rocks,they're wise, they're strong. Wonderful, amazing people. Pleasure to have the chance to work with.
4. Thriller. Was. LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh baby!!!! IPerfectly honest in saying that last BREAKDOWN section... about knocked me off my podium!!!
5. The boots... my feet... I have an entire ecosystem of blisters and overall unhappiness... So much pain!!! Paging Dr. Scholl's...
6. A million billion things happened in front of and behind the scenes... all in all it was exciting, FUN, a blast, everything a season opener should be.
Simply amazing!!!!!! |
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[Sep. 5th, 2009|09:52 am] |
Although this being the morning of the first game, and I'd like to spend time on a memorable post, I am actually running a bit late. Not too late, but a little slow.
Simply put, I'm excited. Not freaking out, but, nicely excited. I've spent all week trying to figure out how I'm "supposed" to feel... only to find a strangely vague silhouette inside. "Ain't no thang but a chicken wang," I'd respond.
We added cooegraphy to pregame for Emily and I, which I still do not get and am still uncomfortable. I'm able to focus nerves and that fluttery feeling to that alone. Stands? Halftime? Daytime? I just get an electric grin and wanna just GO FOR IT!!!
I'm about to leave. I'm optimistic. Happy. A little nervous, I'll admit. Let's make it happen
WHO ARE WE!?
AND WHERE ARE WE FROM!? |
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[Sep. 2nd, 2009|12:37 pm] |
My brain, at this point, is about to burst. lol.
On my way to the library just moments ago, I had quite the inner monologue. You see, while walking I noticed that my pen was actually resting on my left ear (handy place for a writing utensil!) and my mechanical pencil was in my left hand. Hmm, I thought, chances are I'd more readily need my mechanical pencil, so lets swap, and I'll put my pen away. Huzzah!
As I take my utensil from behind my ear I notice it's not the pen, but rather, the mechanical pencil. I had just had this conversation with my self moments before, made the switch, and instantly forgot any of it ever happened.
A few color guard girls approached me at lunch in the eatery, and I couldn't have been more awkward or less interesting. As I put it, I'm in answering-machine-mode. Incapable of.... well... much of anything lol.
On a more serious note, I don't know what I'm going to do about KKPsi. Just a few short weeks ago, THAT was going to be my driving force of the semester. But I'll be honest.... in the world of band, my mind is now in a thousand other places - all ranking above kkpsi.
During downtime at a break last rehearsal, a Brother came up and asked me about Publications, of which I'm the chair. It was the perfect time to do so, and yet, I couldn't help but just completely WHOOOSH all over it. Cause my brain's not in the game. We got an awesome set of Bros, and we're kicking up a (hopefully) great rush, and yet I just can not/will not prioritize anything over the duties of DM, until they're comfortable.
What it comes down to is, how can I rationalize putting forth time to publications (or other assorted pieces of attention) as long as I cannot guarantee I have my "ish" together for conducting? For cues? For organization? For morale, for logistics, for scheduling, for coordinating, for anything and everything.
I was certain of a rather rash decision just 24 hours ago. Cristina suggested, and I agree, to give it a week and see how things go. The few people I've mentioned this to have a similar response: I'm probably just freaking out about the first game, after that, things'll calm down. Only... I'm not. lol
That's an interesting topic. Maybe it'll hit me later? But for now, I see this saturday as I do most casual events... Jammin' Knight games... MK park-and-bark performances... That fluttering heart-excitement isn't there. Which is great! The last thing I need is to be "freaking out" over this game, or any game. I'm just going to get my stuff together, be confident, and everything'll work out.
I'm convinced that everything happens for a reason, and the Big Man Upstairs went far out of his way to make this Saturday happen. I'll be on auto pilot 8-) |
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[Sep. 2nd, 2009|12:24 am] |
A one on one meeting / discussion with D'Amico was just what the doctor ordered.
At the end of the day, it's t minus 4 evenings until gameday. And every instinct is that I should be freaking out, but I'm unusually calm. Honestly? By this point? The planets have aligned in such a way it couldn't POSSIBLY screw up. I honestly believe that.
That being said, the other night Nick Emily and I went over cues for show one. And oh goodness, my inexperience displayed in spades. Nick and Emily... are drum majors. They just are. They're built for it, they're experienced, they have it in their brains how to naturally go about this. And I'm playin gcatch up.
And feeling like the weak link isn't fun. I thank my lucky stars at the patience of my fellow dms, however, as no matter how slow I needed to go they obliged without worry. Still, it' sa difficulty I wish I didn't have to deal with; that is, being so comparitively inept with that sort of thing.
It isn't easy for me to go into this next part. Honestly, as this journal remains public, I could honestly see som eof the topic in question doing enough researching to come across this and take it the wrong way. Simply put, the biggest challenge I've dealt with to date has not to do with conducting, but rather, social. As freshmen it's natural to look up to a drum major, I know I did. But the level of attention I've recieved from young girls is considerable. Shocking, actually. And uncomfortable at the amount it's been, wi ththe number of girls as its been.
And do not take any of this to suggest that I'm full of myself, or shortsighted, or egotistical. In fact, I've toned down that sort of stuff signficantly this year. Ate some humble pie. It is with a heavy heart I confess to these particular girls I meant to send no signals suggesting interest... It's really difficult. I don't know. I may return to this topic later |
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[Aug. 27th, 2009|03:14 pm] |
Things are going well. Really, really well.
My relationships with Nick and Emily are everimproving, reaching out to prior DM's has proved lucrative, and the first week of classes has been encouraging.
I can't help but remain underconfident in my conducting, although, I do note self improvement. Afterall, what was the mantra during band camp? We don't expect perfection, but we do expect improvement. And that's fair.
With BEAST rehearsals about to begin as well as the first performance of the Jammer's, there's quite an energy in the air. T-minus 9 days until kickoff, which should prove to be insaaaaaaaaaaaane!!!
Busyh busy busy, but, motivated and encouraged. Bring it on |
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| wow |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|12:30 am] |
Don't take my lack of updates lately as signs of a wavering journal, but rather, it's been hectic.
Really, really hectic.
Gotta be everywhere at all times with all the answers... and it's been great. Draining at times, but great. I can't help but wonder that 10 straight days of band camp (including staff camp) wasn't the best idea, both for physical shape as well as emotional and psychological strength.
I'm aware of this challenge, and am excited. Conducting is still kicking my butt but as I'm telling the band.... it's band camp. We don't expect perfection, but we do expect improvement. That's a fair a expectation.
Working with Nick and Emily remains a pleasure for the most part. It's actually a bit shocking to imagine, as high stress as this job is much of the time, to be spending so much time prepping together and asking questions and running errands and anything and everything, it'd be very easy to get frustrating, or lets face it, sick of a person or persons in such close proximity. We're making it work though, and I honestly believe our comfortable relationships translate to uplifting interactions on th efield. That's something I as a marcher I always looked for... the relationships of drum majors reflected on the attitude of the ensemble.
Essentially we're at the point where we're winding down, yet have had the most hectic of our responsibilities to this point. So, nobody's perfect, and in spite of it all this has been an amazing camp. And the future is so bright, we need shades. LOL that's an idea... Get some silly sunglasses from dollar tree for me Nick and Emily and rep' that phrase...
Anywho, this entry has bee n poorly written and loosely constructed, as my sleep (or lack thereof) has been quite a nuisance. Now is bedtime. Goodnight |
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| Nothing But Smiles |
[Aug. 16th, 2009|11:27 pm] |
And so with tomorrow comes the first day of actual band camp. There's not much to it - mostly instrument registration and meetings - but there's a universe of exciting nuances regarding seeing and meeting people that makes this day essentially a non recognized holiday.
To look back on this years' staff camp is to be baffled at how cohesive this group is as a unit. From top to bottom, section by section, the interaction and personalities of the staff are so fitting and functual I can't help but be remarkedly estatic about this season.
Which brings an interesting point regarding this journal... To suggest that things will remain positive throughout the season would be idealistic, and I am intending to express all my thoughts both high and low. So, with regards, don't be surprised if this journal goes private in the near future.
Conducting practice kicked my butt unbelievably hard. Completely smacked me around.. On the plus side, the varied patterns and techniques applied to a metronome, changing moment by moment, compared to the careful planning and routine practicing of the upcoming show music leaves me uplifted at the possibility of improvement.
Among the dozens, and I do declare dozens of excellent staff interaction moments I could go on and on about, a particular moment struck a very positive cord. An excellent "pow wow" with Nick and Emily. The ideas and logistics of varying roles and predictions of how the season will go... suggestions and helpful advice... the legit sense of camaraderie is at this point unreal and well appreciated. I don't attempt to make mountains out of molehills, and in this way not intending to overstress a point or feeling, but the fact remains I'm further optimistic and excited. This season, which "starts" tomorrow, is going to be great. For many reasons, by many people. Let's go!!! |
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[Aug. 15th, 2009|11:34 pm] |
With day 4 in wraps, I begin to ponder just how public this journal should, or could, be.
When it comes down to Nick and Emily, I can't say enough. I can't imagine a better group of partners to be thrust into, as this bizarre sequence of events have provided.
Conducting practices with Milhouse remained a humbling experience. I'd like to fret, and suggest the pace and demands of the intricities of conducting are as frustrating as they are difficult... and feel distant from Nick and Emily, due to their experience and my apparent lack thereof. What's easy to forget is the rate in which they've been demanded to (abruptly) change their style and thus throw a wrench into every instinct they have. Imagine playing difficult charts on your instrument of choice... using alternate fingerings. Not only do alternate fingers usually provide more work/fingers, but as you first react and in turn adjust in a split second, and are expected to do so every such second, I can only imagine the difficulty.
As I get off the phone with Emily I'm left pondering over what the season holds. With the expectations of Head DM so diligently expressed, it's a curious thing to consider the responsibilities of the assistants, in particular these two areas: band camp and gameday.
Gameday can't come soon enough, and I do believe to have a pretty ambitious vision of how that'll go. I'm still Mr. Small Groups, as far as I'm concerned, and will continue to pursue as such. Maybe the ambiguity of undefined roles lends itself to an open, creative approach. In such a case, the possibilities for involvement are to the whim of the individual. Which can be cool! Though, some respond better to definitions.
Band camp? We'll see. It's an interesting process to think about, considering we have the director, multiple gtas, and such talented student staff. When you factor in so many responsibilities held by KKPsi and TBS, you have to be creative in how to view personal responsibilities.
Either way, this camp has been spectacular so far. The word I'm using to describe this experience.... Whirlwind. As if swept up in the billows of an F5, I see a clearing in the distance. And it's gonna be really, really cool. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2009|06:48 am] |
It has been a crazy, crazy past couple days. Two days ago started staff camp, and with sousaphone in tow I had prepared for another rousing season as a tuba player o fthe Marching Knights.
To describe thhe sheer unlikelihhood of the events since then, is to anticipate the farthhest away of probabilities. Within the first hour I was pulled away from E, our director, and told the third drum major had not shown up, and as runner up in last year's voting I was offered thhe role.
I figure due to my inexperience of the position as well as a curiousity for all things documented that I'd document a journal of my thoughts as this season unfolds. Hey, I had been doing that anyway with the blogs, but this'll be more personal.
Before I accepted the offer, there were two commitments I had needed to fulfill. As small groups staff, I needed to have the flexibility to continue the many, many plans already set in motion.... E agreed. More importantly, the sousapro staff had to be -100%- confident they could lay it down.... they agreed.
By the afternoon things were in full motion. Milhouse led Nick and Emily and I in beginning conducting instruction. Wow. It's such a different, intense, particular, deliberate, engrossing world. Having little to no experience, it was quite the challenge even with basics. This early on, this seems to be the biggest obstacle while at the same time, the neatest challenge.
On a personal level... the experience has been pleasurable but very, very odd so far. Being that this is staff band camp news of the change seems to flow like water. Feedback has provided the strangest of comments.
Honestly, it's all about lookking ahead. Which some might recommend we not do. Until the Sousapros set up and throw it down hard, it'll be difficult to feel unchained from that responsibility. That said, Bea, G, and Erik are legit... total confidence in them.
Suppose as this is a journal entry, maybe its time to discuss biggest foreseeable obstacles.... to look back at later. And hopefully laugh at ! As it stands, big picture stuff seems fine. Concerns, to be honest, include hitting the glock to make a tempo for the band during warm ups. Not all drum majors do that, but if asked, theres something about that that just seems... I don' tknow! haha. An obscure concern to have.
Milhouse said something very interesting. With Nick and Emily having experience not only together, but as high school drum majors in particular, he noted they've been prepared to perform in front of audiences. He remarked jokingly that it'll be quite a shock for the noob (ex. me) to be on a podium in front of 50,000 screaming fans. When you put it that way, wow! lol. Not quite ppressure, but, definitely something hadn't considered.
Perhaps it'd be appropriate now to mention just how amazing Nick and Emily and are. Nick and I have had a working rleationship for years, both in MKs as well as Kappa Kappa Psi, and share the same major as well. As a person with his stuff together and a wonderful outlook on life, I'll be honest when I say in some ways I look up to him. Emily, like Nick, is a person that's been weaving in and out of my life in different facets for the past couple years as well. She's a strong, independant, charismatic, wonderful human being. It's no secret that we dated earlier this year, and in a role that relies on intense interaction between partners it's not out of the question to wonder if going about this with an ex girlfriend is the best decision. With her, it's a non issue. What should happen, what needs to happen, and frankly what we both WANT to happen is happening. It's been great, professional, fun, light hearted, and an all around great sense of camaraderie between the three of us, as a matter of fact.
Ashley referred to the ability to join Nick and Emily as hitting "the mk jackpot," in that these are two wonderful individuals who will have the noob's back at every stage in this process. And she's right. And from this view (the morning of day 3 of staff camp), there is -nothing- but optimism and an anxious, excited look ahead to what will prove to be a wonderful season |
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[Jul. 7th, 2009|09:54 pm] |
I suppose if I had to categorize this summer... that is, define it with a particular word or phrase... it'd be "acceptance of change." or possibly, "moving on."
I'd like to think that with any artistic venture my own confidence in my creation would be its own reward. In many ways, that's been true. That being said, I'm really beginning to weigh my options for the future.
When I premiered the KKPsi video scrapbook, it was a big deal to me. And in the grand scheme of things, I'll probably look back at that moment as the turning point. In spite of my close friends not taking time out of their day to be at the premiere, I was on cloud nine. As much of a personal success and joy as it was, my peers felt the same! And it was pretty glorious. But all glory is fleeting.
It's become a footnote, a dated accessory, much in the same way as the gameday video blogs. The problem, that is the root of my problem, lies with what I often describe as my best and worst quality.
I've maintained I work best under pressure, my back against the wall, in a time crunch. The negative of this being if consequences don't exist I have to artificially manufacture a (let's be honest) dark mental state to provide proper motivation.
And for that video scrapbook I had to take a plunge of responsibility, of anxiousness, and to be honest of fear to make what I would hold personally in high esteem, let alone others. I had myself convinced this project would become a beacon of interest in Bros past and present, and of other chapters.
The premiere was fantastic, but since then not a word. As it stands, not a moment of feedback since that night. The youtube video has 105 views, with its only comments coming from the University of Alabama-Birmingham. While pleasing, is far less than what I had hoped.
Similar with the blogs, I'm about ready to call it quits. The self imposed schedules, the relentless quest for footage, the embarrassing self promotion. How so many (if I do say so) high quality productions can have less than 300 views... Meaning people WITHIN the organization won't even bother to watch, has taken its toll. As long as the personal sense of accomplishment is plenty, I could care less about viewership. But with that faltering with each year, realization is beginning to creep up.
I haven't made any decisions, but I don't see how on earth I'd be coaxed into making another KKPsi video. While I still maintain the "worth" of my last video won't be realized until long after I'm out of the organization, I will not put myself back into that place; for the reaction I've recieved.
And the blogs... I can't be that guy who self advertises. So maybe deep down I've always hoped some friend or fan would encourage people to watch. And occasionally that's happened! But the truth is, it's up in the air as far as next season goes. Maybe things'll change? |
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[Jul. 7th, 2009|02:34 pm] |
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I'm doing a decent job of burning bridges, and nobody seems all too upset. |
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[Jun. 8th, 2009|11:54 pm] |
So, that last entry? Cut short when the cops showed up at the party I was at. LOL, that was nuts.
Anywho, a chick said this on a tv show the other night:
"Il y a des gens qui parlent de moi en bien, comme il y a des gens qui parlent de moi en mal. Mais le plus important là-dedans, c'est qu'ils parlent de moi, finalement, non ?"
That's pretty funny |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2009|12:02 am] |
My best and worst qualities are the same... I work best under pressure. While cranking out acceptable term papers with mere seconds to spare is useful in a pinch, these tendencies can backfire. To be acble to execute this work out regiment... I've had to really be hard on myself. I've never been happy with my physical appearance, but to commit to this level of fitness I've had to convince myself that I -hate- what's in the mirror. Only if the pudge reflected back to me make me sick would I have the motivation to improve. That's okay, I argued, and continue to argue, because the end result will make it all worth it. And... We'll see. Now, however, I to even a greater extent find myself comparing myself in all respects to other guys. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because I'm finding myself anti social... But, when I take the Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2009|09:08 pm] |
Here we are, a week until my job working with first and second graders is over, and an additional halfweek still until Florida Day. Mixed emotions surround both.
This job, officially the title of "site teacher" with KLC Partnership's Extended Day Program, has been unbelievable. It's been taxing, stressful, and everyday a handful, but astonishingly fulfilling. And it's going to be hard to say goodbye to my kids. I don't know where the future will take me but my time here at Conway Elementary has been an experience I won't soon forget.
And Florida Day is coming up immediately after. Oh Florida Day... How something so silly and upbeat, so accepting and insignificant can cause me so much angst is unimaginable. Simply put, if there's one universal truth I've discovered about my self, essentially the key to unlocking Jesse Dillon... it's that I need a goal. Whether the goal be trivial, essential, fabricated, endearing, if my sights aren't set on a measurable, tangible result I do not succeed. Worst yet, I have not mastered a delicate matter in which to commit, I run full blast 100% into any topic I tackle. Go big or go home.
With that said, I've remained very positive about this whole working out thing. No, I'm sure I will not be where I wanted to be come Florida Day. And yes, that will be a failure, at least partially. I do get to look in the mirror and be happy though, I'm undoubtedly in the best shape of my life. I can see past what's riddled my poor self confidence since inception and I just know if I keep this up, one last trip over the horizon will lead me to where I want to be.
I suppose there are advantages. Truly shocking to realize there are over 2 months until band camp. The goal come mid August? Bowflex body. No exceptions. And I will not declare that I'm setting myself for failure because I believe it can be done in my heart of hearts.
So next weekend, when I'm strutting around my flabby self... some muscles bigger than usual, some fatty parts smaller than usual, the situation will be dealt with as Bubble Gum. Chew on it for a little while, spit it out. ....then go to work. |
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| Sky Marshall of the Universe version 2.0 |
[May. 12th, 2009|02:41 am] |
So that whole... working out... thing...
It can be disappointing knowing that it's been your number one goal for 7 months and still haven't come close to your goal, but that's a lone negative in a sea of jaw droppingly excessive positive influences.
Here's me back in November:
Literally I had let myself go to a point I didn't even recognize who was standing in that mirror. If only my clothes could talk; band banquet and the kky/tbs formal events had the button my pants flexing every fiber of its tightly knitted self not to burst into oblivion.
I'd get a little far, then an obstacle. Back to where I had gotten, a little farther still, and another object in my way. With stress from school, work, and romance, it's been difficult to commit fully and for a consecutive period to constant surveillance of this goal.
The more I research the topic of, and experience, working out, I'm alerted of several truths. It's hard to start and remain motivated. Results come very slowly when starting out, and boy was that a tough pill to swallow. Worst yet, was a month or two in, really getting into the swing of things, where I noticed I was gaining muscle mass (a good thing) at a faster pace than I was burning fat (a bad thing). Essentially I was appearing bigger than I had initially, due to my increased muscle mass essentially pushing out the fat resting above. Want to kill any and all motivation you have to work out? Bust your butt for weeks and look bigger (and... odder) than when you started.
But at last the past two months have brought a great deal of time, energy, and patience to this process. By running 2 miles a day at least 5-6 days a week along with isolated, smart work outs I'm cutting through the twenty years of bodily funk and starting to slowly see the image etched in my mind as to what I want. I'm not there yet, but consider these:
> |
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[Apr. 18th, 2009|04:11 pm] |
Today was a tough reminder.
I'm reminded of my goal to get in shape by Florida Day, and more importantly, Band Camp. And the goal has nothing to do with getting healthy, having a positive image, or appearing attractive. I have to do this because I have to do this. I have to prove I can set a goal and accomplish it.
I need me time. I need to repair. I've been smacked in the face with my failures too often lately and I am broken. My shell has been cracked and I don't know what else can fix it.
I'll never remark negatively of my upbringing, as my parents and siblings provided an experience I'm eternally grateful for. That said, there are realities I have faced I wouldn't have liked to. I entered college with the attitude and social tact of an 8th grader, with resourcefulness and abilities of someone even younger. I occasionally ponder at what "me" I would be if I had done boy scouts, or organized sports, or was brought up in a home where I had more responsibility.
I'm looking up at peers younger and newer than myself. I'm consistently coming to terms with my behavior that unlike a leader or leadership position. Growing up as the youngest of three I never eyed my older brothers as role models I'd like to emulate, and as much as I love my father I never saw him in roles that were inspiring on that level. So what was I left with? Rocky Balboa, Han Solo, Jack Bauer. Unrealistic male leaders whose sensationalized stories and actions contributed little to my real world interactions.
I'm just... I don't know. I'm identifying so many weaknesses that contribute to a product, so to speak, lacking in the endeavors I pursue. I wish I could be looked as somebody whose actions speak louder than words, but that's not the case. And I feel inadequate, and unsure how to adjust and fix.
As far as taking lumps, I do feel blessed given the circumstances that whatever outlet I pursue after my time here in college I've been molded into a much better young adult than when I started here. Greatly. Shockingly, even. It just never seems enough.
As far as my last relationship, it was a fun experience and will be looked back on fondly though it didn't work out. What's frustrating though, is being beaten at my own game. My brain hates not knowing the whys and hows, and maybe I'll never get an answer as to the "what" attracted this girl to me, maybe there is no one answer, but I've filled in the blanks. For better or for worse. And I attribute it to what I feel are my strengths: funny, kind, I put much stock into my relationships on any level, try to be uplifting, try to generally care, and most of all be fun and positive. What has plagued me since inception has been noticing other guys doing those things better, and I don't know how to react.
To be convinced of so many flaws, and so little strengths, to see these strengths outdone, what's left?
Which is why I'm repairing myself. Rebooting. I have to accomplish the goal of a "bowflex bod" because if I don't there is nothing left to hang my hat. I have failed responsibilities as small groups staff, though I'm looking at a second chance. I've failed responsibilities as Historian, and when my last ditch effort to make right the situation looming I'm getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I missed so many opportunities as Jammin Knights student leader, and I pray I receive a second chance.
These guys who are effortlessly social, unmistakably fun, electric and dynamic aren't broken as I am. If I'm fixed, we can start looking at the future. Only, lately, I've been reminded at every turn where I don't stack up and I'm going to change things once and for all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2009|12:08 am] |
I never meant to hurt you, sometimes I'm just not that smart.
Lately, at an unprecedented pace, my poor memory has been getting me into trouble. Not just that, but an entire culture of ignorance. I'm finding in many cases a lack of simple cognitive ability to understand the larger pictures at work, especially when considering people's feelings.
It pains me when these situations occur and I leave a friend feeling down as a result. What's worse is when they seem to understand I did not intend for the situation to develop as it did. My first instinct is to suggest that it's okay, when it's not.
I just can't escape the reality that these last few months have led me to one conclusion: If I want to remember something, I -have- to write it down. What was once a catch-all reinforcement has developed into necessity.
This doesn't pose a problem when it comes to KKPsi, band, schedules in general. But it's gotten out of hand. This evening I found myself talking incessantly about topics very betraying, and very sensitive to, a friend close to me in attendance. Absolutely unaware and ignorant of the effect it was having, quite embarrassed afterwards.
Let's face it, it's been a turbulent month. Ups and downs, more the latter. Here's to an upward swing |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2008|02:33 am] |
If you only knew the types of messages that have gone through my facebook inbox... You wouldn't believe it. It's been a crazy 2008. Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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the1sttransport's journal