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[Apr. 1st, 2010|12:11 am] |
I'll try to as optimistic and upbeat as I can, but things are certainly strange.
Without question this has been the most difficult semester of my collegiate career, encompassing academics, social life, and most certainly personal welfare.
I'll spare the melodrama by not going too far in depth with the reality that since the st pete bowl trip, I've been a wreck. Full blown, slow motion two car collision. Up is down, left is right, a good night's rest is an invaluable commodity at this point, and as rare a pleasant day in these incessant classes. The more typical evening at casa de dillon would be the tossing and turning, reviewing the past 12 months every which way, trying to make sense of what happened and why it did.
But that being said, I take whatever victories I can find. Even the smallest of answers are handles to cling to. Something about tonight revealed a particularly helpful one...
When I got the whole, drum major gig, I've posted ad nauseum here about how I simply had no idea what to do, and it was trial by fire. But alas! I was ready. I suppose since we're being honest, I'll drop some old school Jesse history: through my life I've been extremely confident about many things, not so confident about others, and regardless, criticism is not always handled in the best sort of way.
Not so fast my friend! If there's anything I can be proud of above all else regarding those months August-December, is the rate in which I would come to rehearsal, KNOWING I'd hear the two-cents of so many people before, after, DURING practice, and let it sliiiiiide right off. Just sliiiiiiiiiide right off. Take what I can, and move on with a smile on my face. Everyday I'd go out there and get a little better, hear more and more and more criticism, some helpful, some purposely hurtful, and just it sliiiiiiiiiide.
What was different? A coy smile would approach my face, and there'd be an aloof confidence in which my idea of "meaning" would make this all the more while. Because, you see, everything happens for a reason. And I was thrown in to the fire and boy was I gonna suck, at least for a while, and boy was I gonna hear about it. But that day would come, I was sure, when after 5 tries of not hearing it I'd be selected by my peers on band banquet night and be humbled with the responsibility at hand. And that was what I thought was going to happen, the repeat! The sequel! Nick/Emily/Jesse!
When that didn't happen, every facet of strain, sacrifice, confidence, meaning, let's just say everything I had clung to before and during this process - even on a fundamental level of psyche, personality, and religion - crumbled. I was able to ward off a higher concentration of people telling what I was doing was wrong and or bad than I had faced my entire life combined, only because it was to symbolize something so much more. And of course, it didn't.
To this day, and it's April 1st, I wrestle with all sorts of new, dangerous feelings. Just getting up and leaving. Leaving Orlando, UCF, KKPsi, MKs, it feels so good to think about. At least for a moment.
I've discovered I have 3 semesters left. Fall, Spring, Fall. Dare I march again? It's looking like it. Dare I audition again? That thought scares me to death. The only way, and I'm quite positive the ONLY way, I could get through the emotional hurt of another marching season would be to have a goal that large. To hear the phrase, "hey Drum Majors" and have it be for Emily Nick and -not- me is going to suck. That's just being real whitcha.
I have to stop, as I could go on on a million different topics. Night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2010|12:09 am] |
So I suppose this experiment of turning my livejournal into a drum major-diary has come to an end, with the acknowledgement my time has come and gone.
Chances are if you're reading this, we haven't talked about this but do know that I'm okay. I can not pick and choose when to believe all things happen for a reason. It's all or nothing, there is no inbetween. It is in this manner I know, not suspect but KNOW, that this particular outcome is also a blessing.
I'm going to call it an opportunity first and foremost. And to be honest, an exciting one. Do I come back and march? Or am I being led to focus on studies? Or pursue something new? Or aid the band in a different way?
I can take the not getting it. I really can. The other effects are what's baffling.
Chelsea Shepse of all people sent me a facebook message saying I did a good job and hoped I'd march next year. That was pretty rad. Outside of that, I can count on one hand people who have taken notice to my existence in the weeks since St Pete.
It's been the darndest thing. Total isolation. I can't help but feel that by not making drum major it's suddenly made me invisible. In group conversations, I see people duck their heads and turn away. One on one, conversations with MKs barely get past the weather. I can't help but feel there's always something really, really wrong going on and this particular phenenominan began with the bowl trip.
Not so much as a phone call from my Brothers, even just to say hi? Maybe I'm feeling down! Or low! Or need a beer. The feeling of being so impractictly ignored has been the strangest part. And my drum major partners, not so much as a conversation. I had to approach Emily to talk about how I felt on gameday, partly because I tell her everything, and partly because nobody seemed to care enough to ask me how I felt. I would've loved to talked out how I felt, but the well oiled machine of MKs kept on trucking forward. I can't help but imagine if one of my fellow DMs didn't get it I'd want to be there for them, but I try to understand rationale. It is difficult to walk that line, I suppose, in this situation.
I said at the end of 2009 the one thing I've learned in college so far, is not to do anything with an expectation of return. Do what you want to do, because you want to do it, because you see it is a positive thing to do that will in that action alone uplift you. Don't rely on others to satisfy your emotions, grab life by the balls and get what you want out of it. |
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[Dec. 12th, 2009|08:58 pm] |
Something's happening.
And it's not good.
I can't really define this semester. I guess if I had to, I'd note the stark delineation of ups and downs. Because the ups have been higher than anything I've yet to experience, but boy have the downs been pretty darn low.
Socially I haven't been in this kind of rut since freshmen year of college. Empty, alone, selfish, hollow. That one particularly frightening place to be - the "if I were to vanish, would there be an impact" place. Because I'll make no mention of that recent set of incidents that led to my previous lj post (that's all been taken care of, at least, the catalyst) but the overall result is still disheartening. In response to those events I went dark, not talking, not socializing, not interacting with a human being person less my one day of work and two band practices.
It was just the indirect recognition that I'm growing increasingly distant from my relationships, and am struggling to all hell to create new ones. That, too, I'm demonstrating and incapableness to make happen. I'm not sure what I want, or what I have to offer, and I'm not finding scenarios socially that would urge me to stretch a hand.
I don't fit in. Who hasn't felt that before. But it's the best I can explain, in its most simplest term, how I feel. I go to work with lovely 18-25 year olds who this is their social life, and I retreat immediately, as it is simply not mine. Work is a last priority for me, and even those people are wonderful, I have no interest in becoming close or engaging in social activities.
Band is band. I'm their drum major. And that's the biggest rush of excitement and yet has perhaps been a death sentence socially. Things just haven't been the same. And this has timed exactly with my not being active in KKPsi, and boy has that been tough. On the one hand, it's been beyond a relief to unshoulder the burdens of meetings, budgets, required dates, this and that. This semester has been traumatic enough even without all that. But it's the relationships. It's the being left out, and looked at differently. Or at least it feels.
Whenever I struggle socially I have a common retreat. A common object of solace that nurtures my troubles and promises to make everything better. Television. See, the thing with TV... it's relentless in its pursuit to make you the viewer happy. At all costs.
I once did a project (sociology class, I think?) that researched the brain. A scientific journal announced interesting findings... the exact control center of the brain that deals with and manages moods based on social interactive are activated in the same manner of real friends as it does fictional tv characters. The bonds you create with these fictional characters, you still feel for them. You root for them. You hate them. Whichever emotion, it's -real- in this center of your brain. If you've ever remarked to a friend "I love that character!", you may actually.
When your football team loses, same thing. When your political party doesn't get elected, same thing.
The problem I have, is that in cases like this I encourage this. I try to talk to Bros at practice, and get treated like I don't exist. I come home, turn on House. I attempt to flirt with a shy brunette, failing miserably. Simpsons it is. I know that for every time I feel subservient or unprepared, embarrassed or belittled in a band related setting I can come home and Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo will try their darndest to make me laugh on MST3K.
And that, in a nutshell, is where I am. I don't feel in charge of anything, be it relationships with friends, band, drum major, romance. I get out of bed, finding nothing but bad news on myucf, bad news on my knights email, bad news in my text message in box, only to come to practice attempting to mask it all and experience nothing socially but ice water. So I can come home, vanish for a week and wonder if I was doing this little ecosystem a favor.
There are people you think to call when you're doing something. I'm not it this semester. There are people you didn't prioritize for, but are happy anyway when you see them. That's not me neither. Then there are people you'd maybe prefer weren't where you are. And goodness, is that where I am or what? |
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[Dec. 5th, 2009|12:07 am] |
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Full blown depression. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|09:00 pm] |
Nice Win! and Why I'm Back with the Final(?) Blogs :)
Wow guys. A UCF running back pounding the rock to the tune of 200+ yards? Thing of beauty!!!
Mega props to the MKs for a great game, and let's be honest, ROCKIN' high school performance. We kicked down the door, threw it DOWN!!!!!! and were friggin' rock stars baby!
Alright, time for the weekly rapid fire thoughts and memories:
1. BEAST. Oh my goodness. So I'm with Kat, back from getting boots, getting stuff out of my car in the colbourn parking lot. And I'll be honest, I have no idea where you guys were, all we heard was Take On Me flat out GROOVIN' throughout the lot!!!! Said it before, say it again: this has gone from Tyler Fisher's grand experiment, to a "thing." A straight up, throw down, exciting -THING-!!!!!!
2. Memphis football players. My goodness. Okay, we're setting up Pregame and Emily and I are inside the Memphis football player tunnel. They're finishing up their on-field warm ups and returning to their lockerroom, walking past us. They're giving us looks, we're just holding strong. Then in a moment I'll never forget, a wise cracking 300 pound behemoth goes "YOu see that!? That's some HARRY POTTER stuff up in here!!" Really?? THAT'S smack talk!? LOL. Pretty sure it was one of the d-lineman "Moose" Robinson shoved around all day, so it's all good :P
3. Honestly. A UCF offense that's awake. Still celebrating!!! (and don't give me that "it all happened 4th quarter" bologna. Play calling all day was a monumental improvement over normal. We threw in sweeps, options, pitches… plays that catered to the STRENGTHS of the players! Who'd a thunk it, loll.
4. I missed my trombone cheer. Baby steps, but that's gonna be a "thing" here shortly.
5. Here's an O'Leary story. So the whole, conducting fight song as the team runs out on the field? They were so close to us we were basically karate chopping our team. O'Leary in particular seemed to have trouble with basic peripheral vision, and in my case one of his police escorts took a right hand that would've otherwise knocked the coach in the head! How silly would that have looked LOL. On the brightside, assault on officer doesn't count of if you're conducting, apparently lol.
6. Conducting the band in the stands, while coordinating with the headset, is complicated. Big thanks to all MKs in watching and listening, and cooperating when things get a little sticky :)
7. One word to explain gameday? Smooth. At least compared to games one and two!
8. Speaking of "things"… The student union warm up performance before the parade? We've silently been getting bigger and bigger crowds… Not saying', just saying'.
9. Oh dear. See how things worked out? Parents' weekend!!! Tailgating was 15% better behaved this time around, which is great for our army of twirlers that had to rife through memory mall… or as I've dubbed it… "the Jungle."
10. All in all, awesomeness. Pure, pure awesomeness. Two gameday video blogs are hot off the press. I never say never, but it might be a long time till more videos show up :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dE2NZzdeY8 is Gameday Video Blog #28, perhaps the last true GDVB "project." Relive UCF Band Camp 2009!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ScicbvZU4Y is Gameday Video Blog #29, a fitting end to the series. It's a recreation of the very first Gameday Video Blog, made on a whim my first game as a Marching Knight. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz3XYqWRi9U :)
Thanks to all for another awesome gameday experience!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2009|03:29 pm] |
(originally posted September 6th, the day after the first game, to facebook)
I'd like to get out some thoughts as they're still fresh in my memory.
Today, as has been well established, was my first ever game as a drum major. This first game witnessed the conducting of the UCF Marching Knights... as well as the entire West Orange High School band (of which I was 4 year alumni )... as well as the performance of the greatest piece (favorite) I've ever played... Thriller. (history lesson: this exact arrangement was the finale to our Halloween show in 2006).
Today was not without its problems. And high stress situations. And curious drama of every which way, many expected, many random, and many exactly opposite as prepared.
When it's all said and done... this day was amazing. The band sounded amazing. Everything happened as it should :)
Some memories from the day I'll never forget:
1. Hearing the words "West Orange" thrown around so much. Bizarre throwback. Totally awesome to be with them today though!!
2. From having a totally chill, calm, collected aknowledgement of this game coming up.... not being nervous... It took the rumbling of the student section bleachers as we were setting up pregame for it to hit me like a sack of bricks... Full blown panic. LOL! it was amazing.
3. You know, I've danced around this. But lets make something clear. If you're going to be thrown into a situation like DM first day of band camp, you better work with people who have your back. And I can't say enough about Nick and Emily. They're rocks,they're wise, they're strong. Wonderful, amazing people. Pleasure to have the chance to work with.
4. Thriller. Was. LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh baby!!!! IPerfectly honest in saying that last BREAKDOWN section... about knocked me off my podium!!!
5. The boots... my feet... I have an entire ecosystem of blisters and overall unhappiness... So much pain!!! Paging Dr. Scholl's...
6. A million billion things happened in front of and behind the scenes... all in all it was exciting, FUN, a blast, everything a season opener should be.
Simply amazing!!!!!! |
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[Sep. 5th, 2009|09:52 am] |
Although this being the morning of the first game, and I'd like to spend time on a memorable post, I am actually running a bit late. Not too late, but a little slow.
Simply put, I'm excited. Not freaking out, but, nicely excited. I've spent all week trying to figure out how I'm "supposed" to feel... only to find a strangely vague silhouette inside. "Ain't no thang but a chicken wang," I'd respond.
We added cooegraphy to pregame for Emily and I, which I still do not get and am still uncomfortable. I'm able to focus nerves and that fluttery feeling to that alone. Stands? Halftime? Daytime? I just get an electric grin and wanna just GO FOR IT!!!
I'm about to leave. I'm optimistic. Happy. A little nervous, I'll admit. Let's make it happen
WHO ARE WE!?
AND WHERE ARE WE FROM!? |
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[Sep. 2nd, 2009|12:37 pm] |
My brain, at this point, is about to burst. lol.
On my way to the library just moments ago, I had quite the inner monologue. You see, while walking I noticed that my pen was actually resting on my left ear (handy place for a writing utensil!) and my mechanical pencil was in my left hand. Hmm, I thought, chances are I'd more readily need my mechanical pencil, so lets swap, and I'll put my pen away. Huzzah!
As I take my utensil from behind my ear I notice it's not the pen, but rather, the mechanical pencil. I had just had this conversation with my self moments before, made the switch, and instantly forgot any of it ever happened.
A few color guard girls approached me at lunch in the eatery, and I couldn't have been more awkward or less interesting. As I put it, I'm in answering-machine-mode. Incapable of.... well... much of anything lol.
On a more serious note, I don't know what I'm going to do about KKPsi. Just a few short weeks ago, THAT was going to be my driving force of the semester. But I'll be honest.... in the world of band, my mind is now in a thousand other places - all ranking above kkpsi.
During downtime at a break last rehearsal, a Brother came up and asked me about Publications, of which I'm the chair. It was the perfect time to do so, and yet, I couldn't help but just completely WHOOOSH all over it. Cause my brain's not in the game. We got an awesome set of Bros, and we're kicking up a (hopefully) great rush, and yet I just can not/will not prioritize anything over the duties of DM, until they're comfortable.
What it comes down to is, how can I rationalize putting forth time to publications (or other assorted pieces of attention) as long as I cannot guarantee I have my "ish" together for conducting? For cues? For organization? For morale, for logistics, for scheduling, for coordinating, for anything and everything.
I was certain of a rather rash decision just 24 hours ago. Cristina suggested, and I agree, to give it a week and see how things go. The few people I've mentioned this to have a similar response: I'm probably just freaking out about the first game, after that, things'll calm down. Only... I'm not. lol
That's an interesting topic. Maybe it'll hit me later? But for now, I see this saturday as I do most casual events... Jammin' Knight games... MK park-and-bark performances... That fluttering heart-excitement isn't there. Which is great! The last thing I need is to be "freaking out" over this game, or any game. I'm just going to get my stuff together, be confident, and everything'll work out.
I'm convinced that everything happens for a reason, and the Big Man Upstairs went far out of his way to make this Saturday happen. I'll be on auto pilot 8-) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2009|12:24 am] |
A one on one meeting / discussion with D'Amico was just what the doctor ordered.
At the end of the day, it's t minus 4 evenings until gameday. And every instinct is that I should be freaking out, but I'm unusually calm. Honestly? By this point? The planets have aligned in such a way it couldn't POSSIBLY screw up. I honestly believe that.
That being said, the other night Nick Emily and I went over cues for show one. And oh goodness, my inexperience displayed in spades. Nick and Emily... are drum majors. They just are. They're built for it, they're experienced, they have it in their brains how to naturally go about this. And I'm playin gcatch up.
And feeling like the weak link isn't fun. I thank my lucky stars at the patience of my fellow dms, however, as no matter how slow I needed to go they obliged without worry. Still, it' sa difficulty I wish I didn't have to deal with; that is, being so comparitively inept with that sort of thing.
It isn't easy for me to go into this next part. Honestly, as this journal remains public, I could honestly see som eof the topic in question doing enough researching to come across this and take it the wrong way. Simply put, the biggest challenge I've dealt with to date has not to do with conducting, but rather, social. As freshmen it's natural to look up to a drum major, I know I did. But the level of attention I've recieved from young girls is considerable. Shocking, actually. And uncomfortable at the amount it's been, wi ththe number of girls as its been.
And do not take any of this to suggest that I'm full of myself, or shortsighted, or egotistical. In fact, I've toned down that sort of stuff signficantly this year. Ate some humble pie. It is with a heavy heart I confess to these particular girls I meant to send no signals suggesting interest... It's really difficult. I don't know. I may return to this topic later |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|03:14 pm] |
Things are going well. Really, really well.
My relationships with Nick and Emily are everimproving, reaching out to prior DM's has proved lucrative, and the first week of classes has been encouraging.
I can't help but remain underconfident in my conducting, although, I do note self improvement. Afterall, what was the mantra during band camp? We don't expect perfection, but we do expect improvement. And that's fair.
With BEAST rehearsals about to begin as well as the first performance of the Jammer's, there's quite an energy in the air. T-minus 9 days until kickoff, which should prove to be insaaaaaaaaaaaane!!!
Busyh busy busy, but, motivated and encouraged. Bring it on |
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